Echoes

I am learning a lot these days. I am learning that learning is really important. And I will never be done with it. God has our family on this journey together of learning. It is sometimes painful, sometimes easy (ok, maybe very rarely easy). Sometimes I see and understand things clearly, sometimes not at all. But I can say it always is beautiful. A tapestry He is weaving throughout our days.

This process of refinement is amazing and horrible and wonderful all at the same time. I can pretend that I don't need it. I can pretend it's all about another person needing to change, or if only "they" would learn and see the truth. But really it is about me. I am being sanctified. I'm learning that the Lord will use whatever means necessary to produce Christ in me. I am learning that I want this, really more than anything else. I want to be alive to Him, I want His purposes to drive me and His thoughts to fill me.

Parenting and homeschooling are really a perfect storm. We have a community of little people and big people who are broken, abiding together day in and day out in this home. There's no quick escape (though I may search for one sometimes). There are a lot of ideas of how things should be done. There are a lot of people trying to grasp for control. There is a lot of mess, a lot of disappointments, and a lot of noise. But the point is we abide. We stay together. Giving up is not an option. I'm learning to create an environment that invites these little ones in, that cultivates abiding, that draws out the echo of Christ in each soul.

Scripture tells us God has made us all in his image. We are image-bearers, whether we choose to seek Him or not. His echo, His reflection, His light is all over creation. Yet there is also darkness, sin, and death. I would much rather choose to see the light than the darkness. Yet my tendency to go to the darkness overwhelms me sometimes. I complain and whine about my circumstance. Thoughts swirl around inside my mind that are not always true and right and noble. My actions do not always echo His image.

Lord, fix my thinking. Give order to my thinking. Give life to my thinking. Help me to seek you and wait on your light when it seems like all I see is darkness around me. Remove the veil and teach me what your light looks like. Teach me what is truly good and beautiful. Help me hear the echoes of you in this world. I don't have to rush. I don't have to worry. I just have to trust you. I have to abide. Help me, Lord.

I can be pressed every day with frustrations and fears and discouraging, depressing things. But I want to hear the echoes of the Lord, to see reflections of Him all around, to see His image stamped on the one next to me, even when they seem strange or annoying or just plain hard to love. When it comes down to it, we all make choices every day. Will I choose to just survive this life, get by, and seek the temporal satisfaction and comfort that I often crave? Or will I do the hard thing; will I deny myself and choose life, even if that means dying to something else first.

"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33) I am a slow learner. But I want to walk in the light and listen to His echoes.

Sacrifice

The 6th baby has come. Such joy. Such blessing. Another miracle from God. She is beautiful. And who knew we would ever have TWO little girls? All these wild boys (whom we love)...and all the prayers that maybe they would one day also have a sister. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. I know this truth well. I learned it the hard way. Thinking I knew what I needed, or what I could handle. He knew I needed these boys, and now these girls. He knew we needed to raise up these warriors for Him.

And now these days are so full. I am utterly spent at the end of each one. Exhausted, overwhelmed at the tasks that ever lay before me. Many people ask how I do it. I answer honestly, "I don't know." I go through each day. One thing at a time. Only by His grace. He chose me for these 7 people. And I have to choose sacrifice. I do not do this well. Those who lose their life for his sake will gain it, Jesus said. I battle it every day. Denying myself...following Him...wiping up another spill, listening to another heart, breaking up another fight, reading another book.

I came across this quote recently and was immediately convicted, "Will I joyfully pour out my life as a fragrant offering before the Lord for the benefit of my children?" Joyfully. Pour out my life. Pouring out--that is what this is. I love it and want to run away from it, sometimes at the same exact time.

I am thankful for this life. These blessings. These people that I can love and serve and fail and seek forgiveness with each and every day. My family.

Lord, may I deny myself and pour out my life joyfully each and every day for you, for them. As I pour out, I trust you to fill me full of true and abundant life. And when I don't want to pour out, I trust you to have mercy. Thank you, Jesus.

 

 

A new perspective

Mother's Day is a funny thing. It's similar to Valentine's Day and my birthday in that it seems to come with some expectations that I should be treated differently...I should be special on that day. If I'm really honest, it comes with an expectation that the day should be all about me. I should not have to lift a finger. I should be served all the day through. My husband has never really bought into this. He is not perfect of course, but he wants me to feel special and loved every day, and not just on those few days of the year. I have begun to really appreciate this concept now, but it did not sit well with me in the first years of our marriage. And that led to our first Mother's Day, 9 years ago...

That "first" Mother's Day, I was pregnant with our first son. I of course expected that my husband would be totally in tune to celebrating this Mother's Day as if I were the queen, with this baby who had taken over my body and begun to consume every part of what I did and what I thought about. But my husband was not as in tune. The details are a bit fuzzy, and thankfully we joke about it now, but basically what I remember is being sorely disappointed when I woke up and realized that Mother's Day was not on his radar that year at all. And then he was frustrated and upset that he "messed up," according to my standards. So he ran outside our house real quick and picked a lovely bouquet of weeds--I mean, wildflowers--from the abandoned land nearby. He brought in the bouquet, and I think even whipped up a homemade card real quick somehow, and gave them to me as a beautiful expression that he did honor me as a mother, and wanted me to feel special that day. But there I was, still dissapointed, because my idea of my first Mother's Day was not what I had hoped it would be.

So, fast forward 9 Mother's Days. There have been some wonderful memories, and my husband and kids always express their love in sweet ways. But there have also been some dissappointments, if I'm honest, because I've had expectations that really could never be met. Many times they were just scenarios played out in my mind and not even voiced.

My point is, this year I have gained a new perspective. This day is NOT really about me! Mother's Day is a wonderful day to honor and glorify God because he has given me the gift of being a mother. Because He knit these babies together in my womb. Because He purposed them for me and me for them. Because He continues to show me wonderful things about himself as I get the privilege of raising them and being with them day in and day out, even if that is sometimes really hard and exhausting. The Bible never says anything about Mother's Day or any other special holiday that is about anyone except God. The Bible does say, "Do nothing out of selfish conceit or gain," and "Honor others above yourself." I don't think that means we shouldn't get gifts and feel honored as moms on Mother's Day. Those things are great. I just think that the expectations might be where we go wrong. Putting my own self on a pedestal is where I go wrong!

So this year, I am praying that I can remember this new perspective and approach Mother's Day with a humble heart. I want to thank God for the gift of being a mom. I want to thank him for giving me wonderful mothers and grandmothers. I want to turn the focus off of me and onto resting in His provision, appreciating His good gifts. And then any honoring and showering with extra love that may occur can just be icing on the cake ;)

Thankful for these 5 (and baby 6) wild, messy, beautiful blessings who call me "mommy" every day.

 

 

His grace is sufficient

I had one of the worst mornings I've had in a while today. Ended up a broken mess on the floor. Overwhelmed, feeling unloved, disrespected, like nothing is working. Wanting to quit. And none of my boys even noticed.

Yet my God met me there. It was actually an awesome moment (though it didn't feel like it at the time). I just cried out to the Lord. Desperate. And honest. I felt His presence meet me there. Like a gentle touch, telling me it would be okay. He picked me up and helped me go on. He showed me that "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26).

I felt like He also nudged me in the direction of my sons. Yes, it would have been nice if they all ran after their mama, so in tune with my emotions, asking what was wrong, apologizing for whatever they did wrong, offering to ease my burdens... But they are little boys. They don't know how to do that. They saw me hurting, I am pretty sure of that, but they did not know how to handle it. So they did what little boys do. They made jokes and played and took the opportunity to go outside.

These little people are hard to love sometimes. It's hard to give to them constantly, even to have it feel like they are walking all over me a lot of the time. It is hard to be reminded so often that the selfishness I see in them, is also very evident in me. I am thankful, though, for the reminder. I am thankful that I don't have it easy. (Did I just say that?) If I had compliant, non-wild children 100% of the time I would not be learning these hard things. They are hard to love, but it is worth it to get up again and again and continue to press on in loving & serving them, as God has called me to.

His grace is truly sufficient. He died to take on my sin and my selfishness, to nail it to the cross forever, so I could walk in freedom. So I can get up when I feel beat down. So I can have hope when it seems like circumstances are impossible.

I know the "impossible" is different for everyone, but with Jesus all things are possible. Truly. I see that worked out in my life every day. In the daily moments. There is no way I could do this without Him. There is victory in Christ.

(And, just for the record, the day has gotten much better after my little mommy breakdown...and my children are a joy and a blessing to be with:)

God creates life

So we have some news in our household. An interesting development that we found out about in December, but that has definitely changed how 2015 will unfold. We are expecting baby #6! It's been nice to sort of keep this news to ourselves a bit longer than we usually do, but it's becoming a little obvious now as I approach 12 weeks along.
We have a busy life. Lots of little ones here, lots of chaos. But God saw fit to bring another life into our home right now. His ways are not our ways! We are excited to find out who this little one is and all that he or she will add to our family. The kids are so excited to welcome another baby. Well, Hannah's not too sure what to be excited about, but she sure does love babies:)

We know we'll probably hear some comments..."Oh wow, 6? Thought for sure you'd stop when you got your girl." or, "Are they all yours? Are you trying to be like the Duggars?" or a personal favorite, "Do you know how these things happen?!" I'm sure there will be some that we've not even heard before. That will be interesting! The thing is, God creates life. He absolutely created each one of these boisterous blessings under our roof, and he is creating this one now in my womb. It is an absolute miracle. That doesn't mean life with a big family is easy. It's hard...and messy. But God is absolutely growing our faith and trust along the way--that HE is our provider, and HE is our sustainer. We know we have to trust him to give him the strength and wisdom we need to raise each one of these unique children. His grace is sufficient.

Our desire is simply to be faithful in raising these little people for His glory. Our absolute greatest desire is that they'd each give their lives to--and be little boy and girl warriors for--HIM. That they would stand for truth and against evil, and follow hard after Jesus all of their days.

So it will be another busy year. If you're reading this and you think of it, prayers are always appreciated! I've been feeling pretty yucky with the nausea, and some days survival mode is about all that's happening around here. But God is faithful. I know He will equip us for these 6 just as he has and is for these 5. He's refining us all in this glorious chaos:)

"For we have all received from his fullness one gracious gift after another."

~John 1:16

A word for 2015

I asked the Lord to give me a word--literally, just one word--for this year. Last year I did that too, and he impressed upon me a few words, "I press on" (from Phillipians 3:12). That was very relevant and helpful for me in many ways last year. So I believe He faithfully showed me through Scripture yesterday that my word for this year is peace.

Peace.

Peace is sometimes hard to find in my world, as you may imagine. Boys are jumping and bouncing and making messes all around me at any given moment. Tasks that have yet to be completed are constantly swirling over me. Demands of time and energy and effort call my name. But I believe that God is telling me to rest in His peace this year. Despite all the chaos, all the demands, all the seemingly impossible things in my life...peace. One of the last things Jesus said to his disciples was "Peace I leave with you..." (John 16:33). It is ours. It is mine. Jesus said it. I just have to believe it, and then recieve it. Claim it. Let peace rule in my heart (Col. 3:15).

So that's what I'm going to be focusing on this year. You have permission to remind me if you're reading this. I know I will tend to forget;)

No matter what craziness comes my way in 2015, I want to remember that the Lord is faithful, and he is my God of peace.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:7

 

What I'm learning

There is never a shortage of learning going on in this home. And I don't mean primarily academic! I had written on here about the month-long journey of specific Scripture praying I was doing for my boys in October. Well there was no earth shattering change in their behavior as a result of that, necessarily. But it was profound in my soul and I think it is beginning to affect our home. The constant reminder to let go, to trust Him with every part of them, to quit seeing myself as responsible for their heart or behavior change. When days are hard, it is easy to say "it's just a phase" or "tomorrow is a new day," but when I see my boys struggling with sin, I want to call it what it is and then let it bring me to my knees. God tells us he hears from on high. He hears every prayer, and I believe those specific prayers over my kids matter. They're making a difference in ways I do not understand or sometimes even see with my own eyes.

Our life is really messy. We are a big family. We have a lot of boys. And most of the time they are super wild and loud and primarily motivated by fun (getting a picture like the one above is very rare!). We're trying to teach them self-control, but ultimately we cannot make them be calm or care about others. I guess that is why Paul calls them fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5. Fruit can't make itself happen. An orange does not think really hard about trying to be a tasty orange. Just like that, I don't think we can try hard enough to be gentle and kind and loving and patient, without Jesus. I am going to fail every time. The Holy Spirit works in people in a powerful way, and behavior change is the result. It may be very slow, slooow behavior change, but He changes people. I have to believe that. At times I have to make myself believe it, because I can tend to be a grumbling Israelite in the process. "God, what am I doing wrong?" My thoughts say, "I do not see heart change...in these kids, and admittedly, in me sometimes. I must need to do something different." But God tells me to wait, to trust him, to seek Him, to continue being faithful. He is working. The process of sanctification is long and really hard. Sometimes I think maybe it would be easier to just not care. Just be like the world, please myself at all costs, seek that which I 'deserve.' But God is working. Sacrifice is worship, and it is worth it. I believe it has eternal significance.

So while we wait for all things to be made new, I am here, with a house full of young wild sinners whom I love desperately and fail miserably in some way every single day. And I want to rejoice no matter how hard the days can be. God is good to us. He is faithful. He is gracious. I want to remember the many blessings He gives. I want to remember the heart change He does. So I'll keep learning...